Curmudgeon's Corner

New Element Discovered

Posted by Al Campbell on Feb. 26, 2009

Political, Potpourri, Quality of Life

I spent yesterday in Madison as part of a lobby group and visited the offices of Sen. Alberta Darling and Rep. Dan Knodl as well as listening to many speakers from both sides of the aisle.  With all due apologies to those with whom I interacted yesterday, the following found its way into my mailbox this morning, and I just couldn't help myself...

New Element Discovered

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.  The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.