Paul Adair is a 21-year Germantown resident, retired scientist, writer, and lecturer.
On Tuesday evening, President Obama will give his annual State of the Union Address. As usual, the networks will give air time for a rebuttal from the opposition party. Unlike the past, however, there will be a total of three separate rebuttal speeches. Representing the last remaining Corporate Republicans will be Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Citibank). Representing the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party will be Sen. Mike Lee (R-Ted Cruz). And representing the Rand Paul wing of the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party will be Sen. Rand Paul (RWNJ-KY).
Through an unnamed and totally unreliable source, the staff at Just Sayin' obtained transcripts of all three rebuttal speeches. In order to save money on speechwriters, it appears that Republican National Chairman Prince Rebus hired a single writer to compose just one speech, with multiple-choice blanks throughout. In the following speech, choices "A" will be read by Congresswoman Rodgers, choices "B" will be read by Senator Lee, and choices "C" will be read by Senator Paul:
My (A. fellow Americans, B. fellow patriots, C. Facebook likes). You just heard the (A. President of the United States, B. usurper who unconstitutionally occupies the White House, C. big lying bully) give his fifth State of the Union speech.
In that speech, we heard a number of proposals that are (A. class-warfare promoting and job destroying, B. unconstitutional and impeachable, C. full of bay-cun).
The President insists on not repealing the vile law, known as Obamacare. In contrast, my party, the (A. Republicans, B. Tea Party, C. Real Tea Party) promises to replace the law with (A. common sense, patient centered reforms, that we will reveal at a later date, B. payment for services with chickens, C. survival of the fittest).
The President also mentioned a renewed push for comprehensive immigration reform. My party disagrees with that comprehensive approach, although we do agree with certain facets of reform. For example, we believe that: (A. There should be unlimited work permits issued for those who want to work for less than minimum wage. B. A Great Wall should be built, and that we should deport all of the cantaloupe-calved drug runners, C. Who cares about immigration reform?). We believe that these actions will convince more Hispanics to vote for our party's candidates.
However, the President did not mention the most troublesome and intractable problem facing America today: (A. Benghazi, B. Benghazi, C. Benghazi). We Republicans promise to get to the bottom of this conspiracy if it takes us another dozen Congressional investigations.
He also did not mention the second most important problem in America, (A. corporate taxes that are too d%$# high, B. United Nations indoctrination of our youth through the Common Core State Standards, C. the George Washington Bridge scandal, involving my nearest rival for the Republican presidential nomination, Chris Christie). My party pledges to attack this problem facing middle class Americans with all of the resolve that we can muster.
(Poignant Pause) (A. Sip some Perrier, B. Chug some Kool-Aid, C. Gulp a glass of water from Charleston, WV)
As the then-head of Government, Ronald Reagan, once said, “Government is not the solution to our problem, government is the problem.” In the spirit of the absolutely greatest man to ever walk the face of the earth, we propose to shrink government by eliminating two government agencies: (A. the SEC and the EPA, B. the Department of Education and the ATF, C. aw, heck-everything, just shut it all down!)
As you can tell from our high recent legislative productivity, Republicans in Congress will continue to work for you, the American people. We pledge tonight that we will protect the retirement benefits that you earned by (A. enacting a voucher system for Medicare and putting your social security money in mutual funds, B. keeping the gom'ment's hands off of your Social Security and Medicare, C. returning to the 1920's, a simpler time, before FDR and LBJ changed Uncle Sam into Uncle Sugar).
The President tonight tried to convince the American people that getting Syria to destroy their chemical stockpiles and Iran to stop developing nuclear weapons -all without firing a shot -is somehow a "win" for US foreign policy. We, the party of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt, say no-(A. as long as President Obama is against invading Iran, we are for it ! , B. we should attack all non-Christians, at home and abroad, C. we should stay out of foreign entanglements).
The President seems hell-bent on stirring-up animosity among classes by insisting that income inequality is a national problem, something to be addressed by such (A. Socialist, B. Communist, C. Keynesian) actions as raising the minimum wage. We say to the President: (A. what is the problem? B. our billionaire patrons insist that it is not a problem, C. being poor is a good thing, it makes people so uncomfortable that they become rich).
In closing, I want to thank all of you viewers at Fox News for listening to this rebuttal of the President's speech. Good night, thank you, and may (A. God, B. Jeheesus, C. Aqua Buddha) bless the United States of America.